I constantly tell myself this. I never know when or how but I know they will always improve if I’m having a terrible day. Last night I sat sobbing on my bathroom floor and I wanted to die. I wanted to commit suicide. I sat there and had to remind myself how selfish suicide is and how I hated my dad for doing that to me and my mom and how I couldn’t do that to my mom. It’s so inconsiderate. But these words changed my life, honestly. If you never had a bad day you would never appreciate a good day. Things always get better. When I was sobbing last night it showed me who cares about me and who wants me to be happy when I’m like that. Today was a great day, things do get better. You just have to appreciate the little things in life. The weird, quirky, silly little things are the best things in life. I think Dan made me realize this. He is weird, silly, quirky, funny, attractive and intelligent. I don’t have one bad thing to say about him. Right now in my mind he is just perfect and it’s the little things like that, that make me appreciate the life I have. If I had killed myself I would’ve spent one less day swimming at sandy hook, one less day jamming with Bree, one less day seeing Erin, one less day talking to Dan and one less day being with my mom and Steve. I’m finally able to appreciate my life with all of its ups and downs.

It’s been awhile

I want to go back to when it was just me, Shawn, Aubri, Dylan, Julie, David, Rylee, Dennis and Brandon.

Shawn Shawn Shawn Shawn Shawn Shawn Shawn Shawn
Why are you always on my mind?

We’ve been broken up for almost 2 whole years and I still think about you all the time. What is wrong with me?

Last night was so perfect and innocent. I love nights like that. I just laid on the floor and cuddled with the cutest guy, who I happen to have the biggest crush on. We just laid on the floor and he rubbed my back and touched my butt (which is my all time favorite). It was so cute and innocent, as things should be. It wasn’t a drunk slutty hook up like I’m used to. It was a tripping serenity and it made me feel very happy. And he is just so adorable and totally perfect for me, I can already tell.

I hate being in a relationship. It makes me someone different. I like Taylor a lot, but things moved way too fast. And not to mention he lives too far away from me. I hate driving an hour to see him, I HATE commitment and I hate hate HATE saying I love you. I haven’t even known you for 2 months, you’re not “in love with” me nor do you know me well enough to “love” me. I can’t do this. I wish I was still close with Chris so I could talk to him. :( I miss my best friend. This whole relationship ruined that.

This person that I have become is somebody who I never wanted to be. I was always just one of the guys, hanging out and goofing around. Now I’m someone’s girlfriend. I love my boyfriend, don’t get me wrong, but this is something I didn’t want to be. I miss being friends with the guys, getting drunk as fuck and being stupid. I miss laying in bed at Landon’s and smoking a cig. I miss Waffle House at 5 am to watch the sunrise with Jerry, Landon and Erin. I miss the ratchet showers and everything that used to make my life so exciting. I feel boring now. I feel so lame, and I feel like I’ve lost who I once was. I’m somebody new now. I’ve settled down and it’s just so weird to me.

Fuck all of you assholes who said I couldn’t change. Look at me now. I gave up the trap house and I changed how I act. I cleaned up my act completely. Fuck you for doubting me. I’m fucking great now and I have the cutest boy. I literally hope that fucking everyone who talked shit and said I couldn’t change dies. I’m gonna be great.

The best line from 500 days of summer, because it describes my whole relationship status for the past few years. Get close with someone and then hit them with this phrase because I am afraid of commitment.